Finding empowerment in the circumstance

This morning, I came across this post from an anonymous escort describing her despair in doing a job out of circumstance, and in a particular client seeing her lack of true enthusiasm, disrupting his fantasy and leading to a bad review.  Her words were candid, touching on her inability to warm to certain clients touch, or covering her lack of interest with smiles and dirty talk, and I think her story conveys an often under reported experience of the gray area of sex work: the worker that is there out of circumstance.  These workers may not have many, or any, other options available to them, so the "choice" of sex work is not truly a choice of lifestyle, but perhaps one of being a means to an end.  Their story is one that is where lines get blurry...about objectification, about how the perspective shapes the business decisions in sex work, and about what effects the experience may or may not have after they move on.  For those that have never worked in sex work-you will never really understand any of have to really live it to understand it, because there are so many levels to the conflict of doing sex work by circumstance.  But in those conflicts is a type of introspection you can't get anywhere else.  One has the possibility presented in these questions to shift to a place of personal growth and empowerment, and to find a greater awareness of the self in navigating personal boundaries and comfort levels...


One can crash and burn.  Maybe digging themselves out of that conflict later, maybe not...  One thing that  is never helpful to someone in this position is to judge them, or tell them they need to find another job if they are not happy.  It's not helpful to make someone feel like they aren't capable of doing the only job available to them or the only one that offers them the money or schedule that works in their life at that moment.  If you ever meet someone that is conflicted, be kind, be understanding, and respect their choices.  This does not mean you can't offer conversation about other options, but listen to what they are saying to you about why they choose sex work, and don't assume that because YOU might not be able to push through the conflict that they don't have the ability to find that path in their own way. 

I offered what I felt was appropriate advice for what she shared, and I am copying some of that response here in an effort to catalog, or perhaps further, the conversation about the gray areas of sex work, and in finding ways to support workers struggling to do what they need to do without judgment upon them or the industry.  Sex work is challenging work for even those of us that choose it as a lifestyle, but that is also part of the reward.   

May we all find what we need in life, and respect our individual paths in how we find those things.


I think when one is operating out of necessity, always looking for when that exit door is finally going to present itself, it's difficult to think about your business in long term strategies.  What is important is the immediate, and usually short sighted.  You may have specific goals, so you may have tunnel vision there keeping you from seeing the big picture...  You might be able to see the long term consequences of bad reviews, but do you see the long term consequences of how you operate your business today, and on a day to day basis?  Here are some things I've learned about what creates success and longevity in escorting.  These are things that have worked for me, but that does not mean they will work for everyone.  Take what seems to speak to you as truth, and leave what doesn't. <img src=

1.) The happier you are providing, the more money flows in your direction.  The opposite is also true...  Abundance flows to those that figure out how to be happy in life, however you manage to convince yourself of that.  When one gets funky or depressed, it's like the universe knows it and stops sending business your way.  You have to find a way to stay as much on the right side of this universal law of attraction to keep money and business flowing your way.  You cannot fake it to the universe with a smile and forced  have to figure  out how to recognize and honor your own boundaries, and possibly expand them...but only at your own pace and comfort level.

2.) There are so many possible options of ways to market yourself, you should be able to cater your services to be about what YOU enjoy and still make money at it.  You need to do some deep introspection here to figure out where your boundaries are, what your likes and dislikes are, what type of clients you want to see, and what type you want to avoid.  You have the power to set up your business in any way you want, but you have to know where these likes/dislikes are before you can implement them through your marketing and screening.  If you do not take your own comfort level/boundaries/needs into account, you are doing yourself a disservice and treating YOURSELF like nothing more then an can you expect anyone else to treat you different if you don't honor yourself first??  If you  have moral upbringing in the back of your head judging yourself about doing this job, tell it to fuck off...  You are  doing what you need to do for yourself, for whatever reason, and it takes STRENGTH and COURAGE to do something you would rather not for the sake of necessity or survival.  The rub is finding a way to make it  work for you and not take you down in the process...find that balance.

Now if you've got sexual issues to work through, this *can* be difficult to navigate.  Our job requires we give of ourselves in very intimate ways, and some of this can trigger old wounds or trauma.  But this is also a place where we can redefine and own our sexual experiences, and it is a place where one can find healing and empowerment also.  If you want to talk more about this, contact me through the info in my review profile.

3.) Learn to say "no" to some money.  Some money is just not worth it...whether the guy is an arrogant ass that is going to treat you like a cheap piece of meat, or it's someone that wants you to do things you really aren't in to...  The damage far outweighs the immediate and short lived rewards.  Trust that you will be better off, and that better money and experiences will come to you instead.  Repeat it like mantra when you are turning away those other clients, and keep saying it until you believe it.  

4.) Never underestimate the power of a good support system.  If you are living a double life, that is DRAINING.  Ever day you are lying and telling half truths, trying to keep in all woven together, and constantly fearing being found out.  This is one of the biggest contributors to burn out.  If you have friends that love you unconditionally that you can confide it, do it! (but only if you know you can trust them implicitly...)  Even if they don't understand everything you are doing, it helps to know that people love you unconditionally and are there for you.  Also cultivate relationships with other ladies in the business where you can vent and get feedback.  Be mindful that it's easy to want to jump in too deep too fast with other providers because we can be so starved for a place to be completely honest about what we are doing...  Close friendships take years to develop, and this should also be considered in escort friendships.  Networking is different then friendships, but both are a means of support.

5.) Set realistic goals, and celebrate them when you get them.  This helps you see you are moving in the direction you want, not just spinning your wheels.

6.) Find ways to stay balanced and grounded outside of sex work.  Whether it's taking a yoga or pottery class or just taking time to take a walk in the park, find something that is all about YOU and make time in your schedule to do it.  Since we are using our body in our work, be sure to find ways to nurture and replenish ourselves with self care, pampering, massage, etc.

I hope this helps  you in some way.  I realize that some of what I say may not fit your circumstances, but I am a firm believer that we can flip our perspective to make our experiences whatever we want.  While sex work may not be the job you dreamed of, there are benefits and rewards to our work that are not found in most other industries, including the ability to be complete autonomous about every decision we make.  You have the power to set up your experience the way you want it, and I think many sex workers feel they have to cater to the market instead of focusing on finding their niche and comfort zone.


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